BY: Janine Mitchell
Change consultant / Changing mindset
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I have recently reposted a video on social media which I recorded last year where I talk about surviving an abusive marriage and how one word completely changed the direction of my life. This was such a catalyst for me in what was a very difficult and challenging time of my life. But it allowed me to change things for the better and to enable me to move forward and create the life I want and move away from the one that was not serving me in any way.
A few years back I was in a completely different place to where I am now. I was in an abusive marriage and I was also stressed to the hilt in a very stressful job I didn’t enjoy. I worked with high risk offenders. I would typically manage lifers, sex offenders, drug dealers and violent offenders. In addition, I was silently suffering in a marriage. The whole thing put my on a downward spiral to disaster. I found myself at the lowest ebb of my life. So I went to see a therapist.
I had also just walked out of a job I couldn’t handle any more due to the stresses and demands, in addition to an awful marriage. It was 6pm on a Friday night and I had a decision to make. A big one that was to change the direction of my life forever.
As I was about to leave my first session the therapist turned and said to me, “There is one word you’ve said about 20 times today”. I couldn’t think for the life of me what it was, I was racking my brains. He then continued, “You keep saying the word ‘try’.”
He elaborated further – “If you keep saying the word ‘try’ to yourself what does it mean?”. I stared at him blankly, still puzzled. He went on to explain. “If we decided to meet for a coffee tomorrow night at 6pm, then if I said to you, Oh I will try and get there if I can, then what does that say to you? …as opposed to, I will be there for 6pm tomorrow night, I’ll look forward to seeing you then.”
It began to resonant with me what point this wonderful man was attempting to explain. “If we say we are going to try and do something, what does it really mean? It really means we are going to be late at best, or something else more important might come up. Whereas if we say we are going to do something, without the word ‘try’ in there, it is most likely we will follow through with this decision”.
It was as if a lightbulb had gone off in my head.
This point is two-fold. If we are telling ourselves something such as I will ‘try’, then this potentially gives ourselves an excuse to get out of whatever we need to (to keep ourselves safe and to not push us out of our comfort zones). What it also does is allow us to recognise what underlying subconscious patterns are running below the surface that perhaps aren’t serving us any more.
“So what are your plans now?” the therapist enquired as I was about to leave. I had just walked out of a stressful job I no longer wanted to be in, and I had big decisions to make about this marriage I was still stuck in. So I replied, “Well, I’m going to relax over the weekend and not do too much (I was physically, psychologically and emotionally exhausted) and then on Monday i’m going to tr……” as the word try automatically nearly fell out of my mouth! The therapist looked at me. As he did I quickly corrected myself. I then said “On Monday I’m going to….” And that was it there and then. I had agreed to make this decision to make the appropriate choice for me.
This conversation was about to change my life, forever.
I firmly believe if we had not had this conversation, I would have stayed on the old path. I would have returned to the ex, abusive husband, I would have most probably returned to my old job that I didn’t enjoy and was super stressful. It also made me realise I had been saying for many years, I will try and do this and try and do that, thus giving myself a cop-out or an excuse to not do something.
So notice what you say to yourself. Are you making excuses? Are you self-sabotaging? Do you use words that get out of making decisions? Are you stopping yourself from achieving the full success and potential you deserve?
As a direct result of this conversation, I created an opportunity for myself. Two days later I booked a flight. By the end of that week I had started my 3 week exploration around Vietnam as a solo traveller.
I can honestly say, it was one of the most liberating experiences of my life.
I walked right back into my life there and then. And I have never once looked back. I learnt skills, tools and techniques that would shape and change my life forever. It gave me a completely new understanding.
I am now super fortunate to be able to teach this skills and techniques now as part of my job, which I am extremely passionate about. I teach mindset strategies to clients which are absolute game changers and lead to life transformations.
I want to finish by allowing you to consider the following: –
- Notice what you say to yourself. Become aware of the unconscious. Become aware of the habitual patterns and familiar things you say to yourself. It could be ‘try’, it could be something else. Become conscious. It is only then we will start to make changes and explore at a deeper level what we say to ourselves.
- When you explore this further, notice what patterns and subconscious beliefs are underlying this. How are you stopping yourself moving forward to achieve exactly what you want?
- Most people are walking around in what I call the BS – Big Snooze. We are not conscious of our thoughts and feelings. The more we start to get off automatic, the quicker we will notice big changes and shifts.
- Make a firm intention to change the underlying thought patterns. Face challenges. Don’t give yourself an excuse to opt out. Whats the worse that can happen?
- If there are subconscious programmes and beliefs going on underneath, what are you going to do to change it? Mindset shifts can lead to massive changes. Every action is underpinned by a thought!
Please do keep me updated on how you are doing and I look forward to hearing from you!
Janine is the founder of Change for Success. She specialises in working with people to transform their lives. She does this by helping them overcome stress, anxiety and depression. She works with private clients at her consulting rooms in Manchester city centre. She also runs stress management workshops and helps companies and organisations improve their performance by reducing stress in the workplace.
Check out her website for more information and to see what others have said –
BY: Janine Mitchell
Change consultant / Changing mindset
Comments: No Comments
Have you heard about how we can manifest what we want into our lives?
So why aren’t things happening as quickly as you’d like? Or what aren’t you living the life you’d like right now, or that you had envisaged?
Have you also heard that our thoughts create our reality? So what we think, actually creates our life. How you are living right now is determined by your thoughts and the collection of them up until this point. Sounds crazy huh? There is a mass of research emerging by neuroscientists to suggest that very thing. So it’s not actually so crazy people.
I bet you don’t want to let a single thought slip by again!
Let me clarify a couple of things in more detail. For one reason or another, as a society, we tend to focus on the negative. We literally feed off negatively. Turn on the TV, the news is negative. Open a newspaper, the thing is flooded with doom, stories of conflict and difficulties around the world.
You might be thinking one of two things.
First of all, I need to hear this stuff. Second, that in general, I am a positive person. Firstly, for every negative story, there will be thousands of acts of kindness. Most on your doorstep. How is by hearing all the stories of violence, war and destruction actually going to enhance our lives? Secondly, I applaud you for being a positive kind of person. However, I would urge you to ask yourself this – is every aspect of your life fulfilled and happy? If they are, I am super duper happy for you.
However, something tells me there might be a couple of things you may want to change. Firstly you are reading this article (yay) and secondly, there is always often something we are striving towards. Be it tons of money in the bank, the most amazing career unimaginable, peak health, or amazing relationships. So why haven’t you got those things right now? Why aren’t you right where you want to be? What is still missing?
I’ll let you into a little secret or two.
What we actually do, is by thought alone, we focus on what we haven’t got. So we are focussing on the negative. I will give you some examples of these thoughts. “I really want to earn tons of money, but I am struggling financially most of the time”, “I really want this illness to go away, but it feels lousy and rubbish feeling this ill all the time”, “I want to be full of energy, but I feel tired most of the time”, “I want to be so successful and happy but I’m feeling low and at the bottom of the pile”. Do you see what we are actually doing? We are focussing on the negative! We are focussing on the lack! So what we are actually doing is manifesting into our lives what we don’t want by focusing on it.
Our thoughts are actually creating a current reality.
Here is another one for you. Your world right now, is a reflection of your thoughts and feelings about your current life. Right now. Your inner and outer world are completely connected. Your outer world (so your experiences and everything linked to that) is a direct reflection of your inner world (your thoughts and feelings). And the outer world is a direct representation of you. You are conditioned by the outer world, whatever surrounds you. Much of this happens on auto-pilot.
Here are some practical examples you can use to get yourself both off auto-pilot and to begin to create your own reality – whatever you would like in your life that you are currently lacking, or whatever goal you wish to achieve:-
Let go of the negative. Be more mindful of your thoughts. Don’t let negative ones pass you by. Notice what thoughts comes up, notice the patterns in your thought process. Spend time on this. Be conscious about what you say to yourself. Every time you hear a negative, stop it as quickly as you can. Stop it in its tracks and replace it with a positive or the exact opposite thought. This takes time and practice, persevere with it, I am teaching you to re-programme the mind. Its had years of current programming!
Use affirmations. Have some standard affirmations that you say to yourself on a regular basis. Again, persistent and perseverance is the key! Start the small sentence with “I am” repeat, repeat and repeat. Have them around the home, by your bedside, on mirrors and in the car. Anywhere you can see them easily.
Visualise. This can be a straight forward and easy process. Find somewhere quiet. Close your eyes and imagine relaxing yourself from the top of your head to the tips of your toes. Have a firm visual idea about what you really want to achieve. Imagine you are there, see how it feels, notice how you feel and really crank those sights and sounds up, really be there! The subconscious mind doesn’t know the difference between reality and imagination, so make it as vivid and real as you can! Every time we instruct the subconscious mind – it will give it back to us in droves. Again, it is all about persistence and showing up, thats they key in all of this.
Please do let me know how you get on, I look forward to hearing what you have begun manifesting into your life. If you need any more help at all or would like to ask any questions, I am happy to talk further. I can also help you achieve whatever you want into your life, by way of a super-boosted process within private one-one sessions. Much quicker that you might think. Happy manifesting!
Janine can be contacted via the form below.